Whisperings

I've been experiencing that restlessness lately. The discontentment that seems to prepare you to leap at the things you once considered insanity. My husband and I are both wanting a change, but see no options in our immediate future. Having sworn off emotional decisions after an international move that set us back more than I care to remember (although, in hind sight, if any event in our lives was ever a sling-shot in God's hands, it would have to be THAT one), we're really trying to discern if we're being side-tracked or prompted. Do I pray, "Change the way things are!"? Or should I be asking for strength to endure? Throughout my day to day, though, I keep having those moments of pause, like an asterick over a cartoon's head, and I wanted to record them here.

I woke up the other morning to find my 7 year old sleeping on the floor beside my bed. Very out of character for him, as he usually crawls right into bed with me. But my initial mental reaction was as equally out of character for me. Normally one to cherish any uninterrupted sleep, I instead thought, "What?! Why is my SON sleeping on my floor?! Doesn't he know he's welcome, WANTED, in bed beside me???" And immediately I was reminded of something once prayed over me many years ago: that I was like a little girl, peeking through a keyhole into the throne room of God, hesitant to come in. But I shouldn't say, "Who am I??" but go with boldness, because He wants me to come in. And I wondered if I haven't been praying as honestly and boldly as God is wanting me to.

The next morning, my 5 year old crawled into bed with us and slept past everyone else's waking. Walking past the bedroom, I heard him crying and stopped to check on him. "Why are you crying?" I asked. "Because I don't want to be in here by myself," he sobbed. "Then get up, come on out," I said, as I went on my morning business. *PAUSE* Discontent with current situations, wishing for change - is God telling me to get up and "go in my own strength," so to speak, and enact change?

And then, an a-ha moment that for some reason has eluded me, despite 30 years of church attendance and 9 years of Christian schooling. My 3 year old came up to me while I was cooking dinner and asked, "Can I have a cowboy hat?" referring to one of the 3 cowboy hats I'd brought home from Dollarama the day before. "I already gave you a cowboy hat," I said. "What did you do with it?" *PAUSE* Romans 11:29 - "The gifts and calling of God are irrevocable." All my life I had heard this as a finger-wagging warning: if you once felt the urge to be a pastor, you can try to forget it, but God will hunt you down and force you into it. But when I asked my son, "Where's the gift I've already given you?" I realized that the meaning of that verse is much better translated as assurance - what God gives CANNOT be taken away from us, whether it be broad like repentance and salvation, or specific like the gift of teaching or giving. Even if we've laid it down for a season, it's always ours to pick up again when it's called for.