The Road to Promise

I had a job interview yesterday. Looong time, no do that. It was for a part time retail position - a nothing job, right? And yet I was so overwhelmed by the details: what should I wear? oh, no, what if I get the job? I'll have to go shopping and look...trendy! I don't know how to do that! What? don't wear heels during the week? I have to shoe shop, too? Skirts on the weekend? I don't own any "30 yr old skirts," just 20-something ones! The shifts start at 4 or 5 pm? I'll need to arrange overlap childcare, until Dave gets home. And on, and on, and on my mind worried, until any anticipation I'd felt melted into paralyzing uncertainty.

The interview itself was nothing to talk about - we chatted, the manager felt sorry for her overworked self, and I tried not to let on that the only centerpieces I've ever "created" were copied from their rival stores. It was short and sweet, to the point (either a really good sign, or a really bad sign), and then I was driving away.

As I drove, a teaching series on the sonship of the believer (Blogger's telling me sonship isn't a word) droned on in the car. Oblivious to it, I was focused on the realization that I don't even want this. All the time spent figuring out fashion on a shoestring budget. All the absorbing I'll need to do to be "up" on the latest trends in home decor. I know, I'm overboard, right? But in order for me to feel confident and comfortable selling and advising people on all their decorating needs, I'll need to immerse myself in the magazines and browse the stores because, trust me, there's not an original creative idea in my head. And crafty? I am not. I'm horrified that they may hire me, only to realize I have no sense of style whatsoever, and relegate me to the stock room until they can dream up a suitable reason to fire me. (and how telling is it that I would LOVE being relegated to the stock room??) Standing face-to-face with the possibility of diving back into the world of appearances, so to speak, it suddenly dawned on me that I don't like it there. I mean, who doesn't drool when they walk into Williams Sonoma? But I'm a total craigslist babe now. I won't buy anything full price. And it's blissfully stress-free that way. And fun - and kind of addicting actually, finding the best deals and all. Rabbit trail...

Why am I even looking for work again? I thought. What was wrong with before? I can't seem to remember now. And then the horrifying realization that school is about to start in September. That means I'll walk Isaac to the bus stop some days, and not see him again until breakfast. My oldest, who made a pouty face when he learned about the interview and then cleverly suggested that I get a job "with kids," so that I can take he and his brothers with me. I could barely think above the sound of my frantic backpedaling. Dread, dread, dread.

The fellow teaching mentioned the Israelites in the wilderness, who weren't there for the wilderness, but in order to get to the promised land. Well cared for, although a bit predictable (I've eaten the same thing for a week before - it is MOST depressing!!), and still they were not satisfied with God's provision (and he was angry). I realized that over the past 2-3 years, I have not been appreciative of God's provision. I mean, I say the thank you prayers, but in my heart, I've longed for other things, and wished He'd done it different.

And I've been wrong.

Injustice

This has been a hard week for me. I'll blame it on ovulation. I have very predictable cycles and patterns of hormone flux that lend me strongly to self-pity or perceived victimization. They're never accurate - just exaggerated, and accompanied by a loss of hope.

I'm a most blessed person: very little sorrow or hardship has really touched my life. Focusing on the good (thanksgiving) and ignoring the bad (praise) is all it takes to get me out of my funk, although I may need repeat "treatments" before I really break free. The wrestling gets tiring though, eh? Must I have bi-weekly lessons in letting go and forgiveness?

Growing up, I don't think others actions affected me quite as much as they do today. Eh, who cares, I'd say. If they knew the effect of their actions, they wouldn't do it, I'd think. And I'd go on my merry way, blessing them and leaving "well enough" alone. But I struggle with this whole iron-sharpens-iron thing. I recognize the value of relationships (namely, insurance against loneliness), but it seems that close relationships with others only seems to bring out the worst in me, and I find myself wishing for distance instead of unity with others.

What exactly does God call us to in relationships? I'm emotionally and physically exhausted just from interacting and caring for my immediate family. Am I really expected to be involved with others and their lives with the same intensity? Reason tells me no. I want to escape the demand - just change our situation, and thus eliminate the possibility. But Jesus' teachings seem so "extra mile." If they ask for this, give more; resenting is equal to murdering; bear others' burdens; give, even in your need; you'll be forgiven, to the measure that you forgive. Just typing it brings desperate tears to my eyes. Ah, the overwhelmed and sleep deprived.

My husband sang to the boys before bed last night, and I was so grateful for the hope in some of the lyrics:

In your Name, there is mercy for sin, safety within - in your holy Name.

In your Name, there is strength to remain, to stand in spite of pain - in your holy Name!

Holding on to all of these injustices is what overwhelms and suffocates me. Acknowledging that I'm hidden in Christ, and although I may be pressed, He won't allow me to be crushed - this brings freedom. Freedom, and the strength to give, when I thought I had nothing left.

Years ago I had the realization that I had to let go of the peace of His presence in order to hold on to the justification of my offense. And it's just not a great swap, at ALL. I'd rather have Jesus than anything...because when it all comes down to it, it really is just Him and me.