The Road to Promise

I had a job interview yesterday. Looong time, no do that. It was for a part time retail position - a nothing job, right? And yet I was so overwhelmed by the details: what should I wear? oh, no, what if I get the job? I'll have to go shopping and look...trendy! I don't know how to do that! What? don't wear heels during the week? I have to shoe shop, too? Skirts on the weekend? I don't own any "30 yr old skirts," just 20-something ones! The shifts start at 4 or 5 pm? I'll need to arrange overlap childcare, until Dave gets home. And on, and on, and on my mind worried, until any anticipation I'd felt melted into paralyzing uncertainty.

The interview itself was nothing to talk about - we chatted, the manager felt sorry for her overworked self, and I tried not to let on that the only centerpieces I've ever "created" were copied from their rival stores. It was short and sweet, to the point (either a really good sign, or a really bad sign), and then I was driving away.

As I drove, a teaching series on the sonship of the believer (Blogger's telling me sonship isn't a word) droned on in the car. Oblivious to it, I was focused on the realization that I don't even want this. All the time spent figuring out fashion on a shoestring budget. All the absorbing I'll need to do to be "up" on the latest trends in home decor. I know, I'm overboard, right? But in order for me to feel confident and comfortable selling and advising people on all their decorating needs, I'll need to immerse myself in the magazines and browse the stores because, trust me, there's not an original creative idea in my head. And crafty? I am not. I'm horrified that they may hire me, only to realize I have no sense of style whatsoever, and relegate me to the stock room until they can dream up a suitable reason to fire me. (and how telling is it that I would LOVE being relegated to the stock room??) Standing face-to-face with the possibility of diving back into the world of appearances, so to speak, it suddenly dawned on me that I don't like it there. I mean, who doesn't drool when they walk into Williams Sonoma? But I'm a total craigslist babe now. I won't buy anything full price. And it's blissfully stress-free that way. And fun - and kind of addicting actually, finding the best deals and all. Rabbit trail...

Why am I even looking for work again? I thought. What was wrong with before? I can't seem to remember now. And then the horrifying realization that school is about to start in September. That means I'll walk Isaac to the bus stop some days, and not see him again until breakfast. My oldest, who made a pouty face when he learned about the interview and then cleverly suggested that I get a job "with kids," so that I can take he and his brothers with me. I could barely think above the sound of my frantic backpedaling. Dread, dread, dread.

The fellow teaching mentioned the Israelites in the wilderness, who weren't there for the wilderness, but in order to get to the promised land. Well cared for, although a bit predictable (I've eaten the same thing for a week before - it is MOST depressing!!), and still they were not satisfied with God's provision (and he was angry). I realized that over the past 2-3 years, I have not been appreciative of God's provision. I mean, I say the thank you prayers, but in my heart, I've longed for other things, and wished He'd done it different.

And I've been wrong.