Injustice

This has been a hard week for me. I'll blame it on ovulation. I have very predictable cycles and patterns of hormone flux that lend me strongly to self-pity or perceived victimization. They're never accurate - just exaggerated, and accompanied by a loss of hope.

I'm a most blessed person: very little sorrow or hardship has really touched my life. Focusing on the good (thanksgiving) and ignoring the bad (praise) is all it takes to get me out of my funk, although I may need repeat "treatments" before I really break free. The wrestling gets tiring though, eh? Must I have bi-weekly lessons in letting go and forgiveness?

Growing up, I don't think others actions affected me quite as much as they do today. Eh, who cares, I'd say. If they knew the effect of their actions, they wouldn't do it, I'd think. And I'd go on my merry way, blessing them and leaving "well enough" alone. But I struggle with this whole iron-sharpens-iron thing. I recognize the value of relationships (namely, insurance against loneliness), but it seems that close relationships with others only seems to bring out the worst in me, and I find myself wishing for distance instead of unity with others.

What exactly does God call us to in relationships? I'm emotionally and physically exhausted just from interacting and caring for my immediate family. Am I really expected to be involved with others and their lives with the same intensity? Reason tells me no. I want to escape the demand - just change our situation, and thus eliminate the possibility. But Jesus' teachings seem so "extra mile." If they ask for this, give more; resenting is equal to murdering; bear others' burdens; give, even in your need; you'll be forgiven, to the measure that you forgive. Just typing it brings desperate tears to my eyes. Ah, the overwhelmed and sleep deprived.

My husband sang to the boys before bed last night, and I was so grateful for the hope in some of the lyrics:

In your Name, there is mercy for sin, safety within - in your holy Name.

In your Name, there is strength to remain, to stand in spite of pain - in your holy Name!

Holding on to all of these injustices is what overwhelms and suffocates me. Acknowledging that I'm hidden in Christ, and although I may be pressed, He won't allow me to be crushed - this brings freedom. Freedom, and the strength to give, when I thought I had nothing left.

Years ago I had the realization that I had to let go of the peace of His presence in order to hold on to the justification of my offense. And it's just not a great swap, at ALL. I'd rather have Jesus than anything...because when it all comes down to it, it really is just Him and me.